Driving Aimlessly

One thing that I still struggle with is indecision.

Should I, or shouldn’t I?

Indecision has the power to make me chase after my own tail, wondering what is the right thing to do?  It can fuel fears in me; feelings of insecurity, or imagined threat.  I’ve seen indecision manifest itself in me through anxiety, pleas for assurance from others, and excess eating.  Sometimes, however, indecision sends me in another direction completely.  Here’s an example of what I mean by that.

Recently, when I read about another bloggers struggle with drive through eating I was reminded of all those times when I was learning to confront my sugar addiction and food obsession (and girth).  Crazy as this will sound, I spent my entire lunch hour driving around town, many days, scoping out the best fast food joints and buying nothing.  

Seriously, I did this many times, and always went back to work after an hour of driving around feeling hungry, unsatisfied, and frustrated with my inability to make a decision.

What is the world was that about?

Now, after many years of practicing restraint with food, I think I know that it was fear of eating too many calories that drove this behavior.  And perfectionist tendencies (operating in me even though all sense would suggest I am not, nor have I ever been, perfect).

Fear and Perfectionism–is this ringing bells for anyone but me?

I think this is why I did these things.

I think.

The truth is that I believe that a lot of my food insanity–which I suffered through for years–has dissipated.  I still do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome, but usually not with food.

With other things.


Thankfully I don’t feel the need to repeat the endless, aimless driving behavior any more.  I’ve learned to accept that I’m not perfect and making bad choices is better than making no choice.  At least I’m moving forward and choosing something.

As I am writing this post, I’m wondering: Is it possible that I am the only one who has ever acted this way?

Maybe I am.

I could be.

If I am, then so be it.  Doing something this abnormal taught me a lesson about how crazy I could be when handling food, or not handling it.

When I woke up.

After I had quit the insanity or constant eating.

The behavior got bad enough that it taught me how to be more decisive.

I’m glad I don’t drive aimlessly looking for the perfect food on my lunch hour anymore.  Indecision still has the power to take me places I don’t want to go, but not with food.

I’m learning.

Slowly, but surely.

Some days I eat what I have gotten while out for lunch and I am unsatisfied.  At those times I tell myself, “Self, there will always be another lunch.  Don’t sweat it, this one wasn’t great, but the next one will be.”  That’s called progress, people, and I’m glad for it!

What are your thoughts on aimless driving, fast foods, and perfectionism? Did you ever have a problem with indecision that ended up in you eating way more than you would have, had you just had the burger and fries?


Four Things I’ve Discovered



This morning my hair looked good.  That might seem like small potatoes to some, but it was the beginning of a good day for this gal. What does it have to do with food or health, or even fitness?  Not much, except that I have noticed that on the days when I wake up feeling good, I seem to have more motivation to eat right.

It appears that being in a good mood, even for wildly speculative reasons results in stronger will-power, a better disposition toward food, and an increased desire to move.

Who knew.

Today being Friday, I thought I would post some random observations I’ve made this week. 

1.  Journaling my food this week, has revealed weak spots in my selection process.  I know I have a problem with portion size, and I’m working on that, but this is different.  I’ve found a few spots in my journal where I had heavier than necessary carb loads at every meal in the day.  I’m working to trim that a bit. 

2.  I’ve realized that recording my food in a food journal helps me understand the emotions that kick in when I’m eating, and the shift in energy levels throughout the day.  This has been helpful in tracking times when low blood sugar makes the craving to eat more prominent.  If I can remember to eat before I feel deprived, I think I’ll do better.

3.  I’ve been consciously aware of what drives the urge to take second helpings, this week.  I think I need to stop serving meals family style, and start asking everyone to fix plates at the sideboard/countertop. This way, I won’t have to stare down bowls or plates full of extras that are only inches away from my compulsive fingers.  I often eat with my eyes first, and reach for more when the amount I have already eaten is sufficient. 

4.  I have been reminded again that the food on my husband’s plate is much smaller than that on my plate at mealtime.  I make healthier choices with food, but he eats smaller amounts.  He is by far the slimmer of the two of us, which means either 1.  His metabolism is roaring, while mine purrs along, or 2. Cheap hotdogs really do make a better protein source than black beans.  Which one do you think the more likely?

The weekend is ahead, when I’ll be able to do all the research catch up on the blogs I didn’t get a chance to read this week.  Reading what others are doing with food keeps me encouraged to continue with my own work.  I’m planning to tweek my menu a little bit this coming week, to see if changing things up will stimulate the scale to move off this insane plateau I’ve been on lately.  I’ll report on those changes next week.