Five Alternatives to Slapping Someone Silly

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Have you ever heard your momma say, “If you do that again, I’ll slap you silly”?

My mom used to say that to us kids when we were out of control.  It was her way of telling us corporal punishment was on the way if we didn’t straighten up and fly right.

I don’t know the origin of the phrase Slap You Silly, but I do know that I would have liked to slap someone silly this past weekend.  The occasion for a good slapping came when I attended a birthday party where grown adults acted like preschoolers.  I wanted to slap them silly.  I’m usually a very calm and patient individual, but I will confess to having all my “button” pushed this past Saturday.

What is wrong with people?  No one knows how to act civilly any more.  Ugh!

Since slapping someone silly might land the slapper in jail (even when “they” totally deserve it), I knew I had to come up with some alternatives to slapping while I was at the party Saturday.  Here’s what I did, when what I really wanted to do was spank several someones and send them to bed without their supper.


1.  Sit on a chair with your hands underneath you, and your legs crossed. Smile as best you can and shake your head in the affirmative while others act in slap-worthy fashion, always biting your lower lip over and over again to keep yourself in check.

2.  Mention the weather, especially commenting on any unseasonable warm-spell you might be having in your neck of the woods.

3.  Hum a comforting tune to yourself while alternately talking jibber-jabber to the one real-life baby/toddler in the room.

4.  Pray for exceedingly great patience.

5.  Sit next to the Mr., firmly holding his hand and leaning in for as long as you can before bolting, at the first sign of an open door.  Don’t worry about how they will perceive your leaving. I assure you, they are too busy humiliating each other and making their guests uncomfortable to notice you’ve gone for more than a second.

I hope you never, ever, EVER have to employ these alternatives to slapping someone silly while socializing with others, especially at birthday parties (which are supposed to be fun events).  Regrettably, though, life experience tells me you might have to refer back to this list a time or two in your dealings with others.  When you do, remember me.  I will be the one in the far back corner of your brain, cheering you on and keeping you accountable.

Remember: When it doubt, don’t slap!

When have you been tempted to slap someone silly because of their rude, obnoxious, and juvenile behavior?  What alternative to slapping can you add to this list?



2 thoughts on “Five Alternatives to Slapping Someone Silly

  1. I have a passive aggressive approach you may find interesting. Stand up and position yourself as central to the party scene as possible. Stick a finger down your throat and regurgitate as loudly as possible to gain everyone’s attention. Upon completing the process, apologize to everyone and explain you needed to “purge your body of the toxic environment you were in.” They will certainly understand your need to leave and even encourage your departure after this explanation. Obviously, this isn’t a serious option, but what an impact it would have.

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