OverThinking

000overthinkingSometimes I find it hard to fix the reason for why I began eating to excess.

The reason, if there is one reason, eludes me. 

Am I that good at rationalization/minimizing, that I can totally set aside in my mind the reason for the beginning binge?

Am I so disconnected with the past that I have forgotten what got this started?

Did I eat/overeat out of willfulness…hopelessness…control issues?

Does it even matter anymore?

I keep thinking that if I could just go back to that moment when I first interacted with food in an inappropriate way, and identify what was going on that day, I would discover the “secret” to what keeps it going now.  I have this fantasy of being able to project backward to that time, freeze frame, see the urge to continue eating past the point of satiation in an adult way with a healthier aspect and history behind, and then I could begin again.

Like a mathematical equation that went awry, I would be able to pinpoint where the mistake was made, correct it, and begin again, this time coming up with the right answer.

The correct sum.  The piece that defines the whole.

Maybe it’s mere fantasy.

I’m still trying to work the cipher, though….

What memory from your past seems like a vapor quickly fading?  When have you felt that not remembering was a blessing?

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5 thoughts on “OverThinking

  1. I have a few things from years back where I also cannot remember clearly anymore what triggered a specific behaviour of mine, but what I learned by now is, that it doesn’t really matter. What’s important is, that you find a way to deal with the situation and analyse rather, what you can do right now to make you feel better.

    Maybe even write it down and every time you want to start eating or you feel that you want to eat without any apparent reason, write down how you feel and how urgent you want to eat and then try to figure out what caused that specific feeling and tackle it with some action instead of eating.

    Sorry, if it sounds like an anti-drug program, but I don’t really know how to otherwise explain it O_o
    But I hope you find a good way that works for you and don’t dwell in the past too much. After all, this is something we can’t change anyways.

    • As I was writing this I was reminded of how important it is to live in the moment and focus on what I can do, instead of what I cannot. I cannot reclaim yesterday. It was what it was. I only have the power to move forward, keeping in mind what I have learned and bringing it to bear on today. Thanks for your confirmation of that direction. I appreciate your comments, and didn’t think them at all anti-drug-programmy. I appreciate you!

  2. I had a patient in the Cardiac Care Unit. He was an engineer who had recently survived a heart attack. Besides the obvious reasons I was talking to him about reducing his stress. He said, and I quote, “I’m going to work very hard to relax!” Don’t think so much about any of this. The answers are to be found in doing or not doing, not thinking. All the reasons in the world do not change a thing if we don’t behave differently. You seem to want to intellectualize things. Look for the answers after you have done what you know you need to do. It will be your reward 🙂

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