The reason, if there is one reason, eludes me.
Am I that good at rationalization/minimizing, that I can totally set aside in my mind the reason for the beginning binge?
Am I so disconnected with the past that I have forgotten what got this started?
Did I eat/overeat out of willfulness…hopelessness…control issues?
Does it even matter anymore?
I keep thinking that if I could just go back to that moment when I first interacted with food in an inappropriate way, and identify what was going on that day, I would discover the “secret” to what keeps it going now. I have this fantasy of being able to project backward to that time, freeze frame, see the urge to continue eating past the point of satiation in an adult way with a healthier aspect and history behind, and then I could begin again.
Like a mathematical equation that went awry, I would be able to pinpoint where the mistake was made, correct it, and begin again, this time coming up with the right answer.
The correct sum. The piece that defines the whole.
Maybe it’s mere fantasy.
I’m still trying to work the cipher, though….
What memory from your past seems like a vapor quickly fading? When have you felt that not remembering was a blessing?