Trouble with a capital T

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Lately, I’ve been lamenting the fact that my weight loss has slowed. Wait, scratch that. I’ve been worried about my slow weight loss. No, wait, that’s not right either. I’ve been exasperated with how slow the weight has been coming off. No, No, NO, that’s not it either.

I think what is really bugging me is that I’m not as enthusiastic about losing weight as I once was, and that is frustrating, worrisome, and exasperating for me.

Yes, that’s what the matter is–I’ve lost focus.

It all started when I read some literature that suggested it’s not all about the scale. The article I read talked about how stepping on the scale every day is akin to bondage and that it displaces God in the weight loss process, suggesting my trust should be in a machine designed to measure physical mass and not in the One who designed not just my body, but my spirit, my mind, my emotions, and my ability to interact with others of my species successfully.

It all made sense to me at the time.

I felt like I really had made the scale into a god. It was my master and I had to check in with it each morning to get my marching orders for the day. It did seem that I had become unbalanced in my approach to CHANGE, that scary, but little one syllable word.  It did seem like I had put too much emphasis on physical recovery from food addiction, as opposed to the three-pronged approach I have been taught to be mindful of:  physical, spiritual, and emotional.  It was at that point that I made a decision not to weigh myself every day.  Instead, I would pray and trust, and believe that God would give me directions and I would follow them, and we would be fine without that scale.  The truth is that one day I might be able to quit the scale and quit the reporting, but this is not that day.  THIS is weight loss I’m trying to achieve, and in the same way that disciplines work in other areas of life, I need disciplines and guidelines to help me direct my weight loss efforts.  It’s not God’s fault that I need these things.  After years of abuse with food, I have killed my ability to eye ball it, go it alone, or slide into home base without assistance from the field.  I did that, not God. It’s not His fault.

So often, one bad choice leads to another.

Following a decision to no longer weigh myself on a daily basis, I decided I was bored with reporting my food, too.  Hey, at least you’ve got to give me credit for going full-bore in the wrong direction. No half measures for this gal.  I was going all the way with this trust thing.  I didn’t need any outside help.  All I needed was God and hope and time to make the miracle happen.  Again, where do I get these notions?  Isolation is a part of my obesity pattern.

So, here’s where I’m at today: 

I have decided that not weighing daily gives me permission to not pay attention to my physical recovery–not what my program teaches.  This concept is death to me.

I have decided that not reporting my food is not an option for me.  In fact, it is equally as dangerous as not weighing myself every day, because I have weasel tendencies where food is concerned and I need to be accountable for what I eat.

I have decided that if I can’t exercise the way I want to exercise–dang foot and back–I can make myself available to my friends and associates, to help them with the projects they have taken on and to get my calorie burn in that way.  All movement counts.

I have also decided that kayaking is good for my back. Go figure. I would not have thought so, but both times I have gone kayaking in August my back has felt much better afterward.  Maybe its the increased oxygen flow from paddling that has made it so, I dunno, but I’m glad for the change.

Beginning AGAIN, today, I will be weighing, reporting, and helping others in an attempt to help myself get back on track.  My weight is still stable, but I have more weight to lose and it is not coming off quickly enough.  I need to kick it into high gear this fall and get the scale moving down again.  Funny thing:  Although not weighing was supposed to free me up to trust more, I have discovered that while God is faithful, I am not.  I need accountability to keep me on track and moving forward.  I hope I have that lesson learned.  I’m excited to begin again!

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2 thoughts on “Trouble with a capital T

  1. findingradiance says:

    You definitely have to figure out what works for you. Just because someone tells you how something is supposed to be doesn’t mean that is right for you.

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