Stepping away from the ledge

000the edge

Have you every felt like this?

Like you were on the edge of some ledge and about to slide off?

I’ve felt that way before.

Sometimes with life in general.

Sometimes with specific and difficult components of life.

Thankfully, I don’t feel that way any more, because now I have a plan.

I have a program.

I have a strategy.

I have a way of developing my life through all its phases and stages now, especially through all the phases and stages of recovery from food addiction.

If you feel yourself moving closer to destruction with food, step away from the ledge and try some of the things I do.  Maybe you could…

1.  Begin a Food Diary or Food Reporting.  I know it sounds weird to report what you eat to another person or fellow sufferer, but it really helps me stay accountable and avoid those temptations I might otherwise indulge in–cuz ya know I’m gonna have to report that if I eat it.

2.  Join a Support Group.  I belong to a support group for people with eating problems that meets every Monday night. Unless it’s a snow day, a holiday, or I have out-of-town guests, I am at that meeting, sharing my successes with food addiction recovery and hearing how others are handling it. It helps to know I’m not alone.

3.  Do something different.  Over the last two years I have challenged myself to not only think outside the box, but act outside it too. That means I learned how to kayak, I went back to the shoe store 4 times to get a proper fitting walking shoe, and I called my podiatrist to make an appointment to have my orthotics resized and adjusted.  These are all things I would not have done without challenging myself to be brave and take care of me.  Try something different–it just might work for you.

4.  Pray.  Some people would probably say that I should have listed prayer first, because out of all the things I do to keep myself sane, prayer is probably the most important.  It’s true, it is, but I prayed about being morbidly obese for years, and nothing happened. It wasn’t until I pulled up my lil girl pants and did something about my addiction that things started to change for me.  I guess this point should be listed as praying, believe and DOING.  It’s the doing that get’s ‘er done!

5.  See a professional.  If you feel like you’ve come to the end of your rope, personally, relationally, or with your physical state of being, see someone about it.  You may need to have some blood work done, or you might need some meds.  Maybe you need an action plan, and some professional somewhere can help you with that.  Here’s the thing:  your best thinking and circumstances got you to the edge of that ledge, but you don’t have to stay there.  Break out. Back up.  Ask for help.  If you connected with someone who didn’t understand what you were going through the first time you sought help, try again.  Seek guidance and be thankful when it comes. There are some incredibly talented professionals out there, some of them with the same problems as you–some of them with the same loves.  Look for them. Find them. Utilize them. Join them in making YOU better.

We don’t have to live on the edge of a ledge, gritting our teeth and white-knuckling it through life every day.  Never again, I say!  There’s too much help out there to lose hope.  Change is possible–I believe!

When have you felt like you were stepping out onto a ledge?  What did you do to change things up and turn your life around?

 

How do you do it…

DSC_0389…how do you say NO to that face?

Answer: You don’t!

But if you don’t, then you have to be willing to make a picnic lunch to eat out in the newly greened grass; chase boys around with a bubble wand and later assist them in their battery powered jeep; roll downhill with them, and then across the flat part of the lawn, just because they want to do it and want you to do it with them; and/or sit cross-legged on the living room floor for hours, playing with blocks, legos, and sticker books.

You drive them to the Easter Egg Hunt, and help them find the sparkle egg, so they can win a prize. You sign them up for the basket draw and you look startled when their name is drawn and they are declared winner. You do all these things because you want them to know that they are important, ultimately important to you, and that you love them and want the best for them.

These are the same reasons why I continue to get back on the clean eating wagon after I have fallen off.

This is the source of my motivation to exercise when I don’t feel like it–yeah, it comes from this place.

This is why I am taking better care of myself today than at any other time in my life, because changing the destructive things about myself is hard, but if I want to be a different person, a person who knows self-love, self-worth, self-discipline and the impact of influencing others for good, I have to find a way to dig down deep and discover a tenacity that once alluded me.

I have to want to get better, and that begins with love and concern for me.

Is this face the face that launched  my recovery?  No, but it is one of the faces that keeps it going strong.  I want to live a vital, energetic life for as many years as God has given me, and I don’t want to say I can’t roll downhill because I’m too heavy to walk back up again.  I want to walk, run, jog, skip, bike ride, and hike myself to healthy town, in part because of this face.

When I am tempted to eat that cookie or a bowl of ice cream, I remember that life is not about how much food I can swallow on any given day. It’s about staying healthy and being able to enjoy the good times as they roll by me.  Good times that include this face and others.

I will not return to those days of food lust and immovable fat.  I want more, and I will have it, because change is possible, and it begins with ME!

Why do you want to change?  What keeps you going when before you would have quit?

Easter & 5Ks

It’s three days past Easter as I’m writing this post, and I’m feeling okay except for another ferocious bout with this sciatica. I did well with the eating over the holiday and wasn’t nearly as aggravated by the presence of sweets in the house as I have been other years. It didn’t bother me at all that I didn’t have a basket of candy for me to eat. I really didn’t care. That’s huge for me. I did do too much this weekend, though, and my back is screaming about it at work and at home.  I’m thinking rice bag and ibuprofen tonight.  Maybe that will help.

I love chocolate, and let’s face it, Easter is a big chocolate holiday. This year, though, I bought a lot less of the stuff. I felt good about that, and we had guests for the weekend who are accustomed to eating more of a plant-based diet, so we consumed lots and lots of raw veggies and fruits, instead of the traditional ham or turkey dinner with all the fixin’s.

I bought licorice and dark chocolate with orange rind in it for our guests baskets. That and some silly string that we had too much fun playing with on Sunday.

Saturday morning we were up and out early, wanting to get to the Easter Egg Hunt on time.  What a gorgeous day it was.  We had a wonderful time watching all the kiddos collecting up eggs as fast as their little legs would carry them around the playground.  One lil guy got his basket hooked on a slide and dumped it all.  He cried and cried, while we helped mom pick up his treasures found.  Eventually, he realized no one was going to pounce on his loot and take it from him and he simmered down.

000bread

On Easter Sunday we went to services early, then got on the road for the long trip to Rochester. Actually, we met up with the kiddos in Bath, NY, eating at a little family owned place in town called Chat-A-Wyle. We hadn’t made reservations, so the wait was about 30 minutes, but the weather was beautiful and Bath has a town square complete with gazebo that is the home of a family of fat squirrels, so we eked out a place on the lawn and enjoyed the sunshine while we waited for the place to empty out a lil bit. We spent two hours at lunch, so we had plenty of time to talk and catch up on the news from the opposite ends of the family tree.

This part of the country is gorgeous in the spring and summer.  We especially like the area around Hammondsport, and went there to enjoy a brunch on our way to pick our guests up on Friday.  There is a little bakery shop there that serves lunch sandwiches on artisan breads, the Keuka Artisan Bakery and Deli. They do a mean Portuguese Chorizo and Kale Soup.  Sooo yummy!  Hubs and I split a tuna melt and the soup, along with a chai tea latte.  We were so glad we didn’t order a sandwich and soup for each of us.  It would have been wayyyy too much food.  If you’re ever in the Hammondsport area, check them out.  You won’t be sorry you did!

I’m still pondering the possibility of organizing a 5K fun run in our area this summer.  Someone suggested I do it on July 4th, but I’m not sure anyone would come out for an Independence Day run. What do you think?  They suggested I do an early morning run and felt like it would be well attended because it was a novel idea.  I don’t know.  I’m still thinking about the logistics of it all. I have two races I will visit and maybe volunteer for in May.  The first is the Guthrie Gallop, on May 10 and the second is the Pound the Ground for Ultrasound on May 24.  The PGU is running for the first time, but its the 30th anniversary for GG, so I should learn a lot from viewing both ends of the spectrum regarding organizational points of the event.  My co-worker just ran her first 5K last weekend and finished 168th out of 220 people. Not bad for a first try, I thought.  She is inspiring me to get moving daily. Now, if I can just get the back to cooperate, we’ll be good.

What do you do for fun in the spring?  If you run, what do you find draws you to an event?

 

I’m No Runner, but…

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I am actually contemplating organizing a 5K fun run this fall.

000color run

Maybe it will be a color run, they are really popular now.

I know of a worthy cause, and I’m beginning to get very interested in seeing this project go forward. I have been assured by a handful of people that it is “doable”. I’m already organizing the event in my head. I have another hand full of people who have said they will assist me. I just need to gain a little more courage before deciding for sure if this is something I want to do or not.

I’m no runner.

In fact, I have never been a runner.

I have always been a chubby girl.  A girl who loved baking and writing, and star-gazing.  I do remember one time when I ran as a teen.  It wasn’t in any event.  We lived in the country and I mean in the boonies, so other than going to school every day, our 24 hours allotted to us consisted of cleaning, helping out on the farm, and bringing the cows to the barn.  As a teenager I also spent a lot of time thinking about boys, wishing I was thin, and visiting the neighbors–they were wayyyy more liberal than my mom, so that’s where I got into all my teenage trouble.

Anyway, back to that one time when I ran.  A boy was chasing me, and not for a good reason. If he caught me, he was going to pound on me. I deserved it. You know how teenage girls can be. Pesky.  Persistent. Pains in the back side.  That was me, in all my chubby, curious glory.  I annoyed him, this I knew, but I kept doing it. Finally, he moved to smack me and I took off. I remember thinking that running as fast as I was–he was strong, you would have run too–felt awesome.  I felt like I was flying. I felt like my feet weren’t touching the ground. I felt like I could go on running forever.  He stopped chasing me after a few hundred feet.  He had other fish to fry, like a steady girlfriend who wasn’t interested in joining us in these silly games.  I don’t remember him coming around much after that, but I do remember the day and that run.

You  might ask, if it felt so good, why did you stop?

Who knows!

I did a lot of stupid stuff as a kid.

Can you say Drive In?  Nuff said.

The point is that now, so many years after when it would have been most beneficial for me to run, I want to run. I’m not sure I ever could. I’m still a bit chubby, which would certainly slow me down.  I’m also a lot older.  My feet, legs, hips and back complain on days when I only walk, and walk slowly at that, but hey, a girl can dream.  In my dreams I overcome all these disabilities to running and I take off.

0000woman running

Could I do that in real life?  I dunno.  I’d like to try, but first I have to find that website that provides the guidelines for going from the couch to a 5K in X amount of weeks.  Then I need to lengthen that time by ten. Maybe, maybe, MAYBE then I could run a 5K.  It’s only, what, a little over 3 miles?  Sure, I could do that.  XXX amount of weeks after I begin the program.

But seriously, I am seriously considering working with some other folks who have a wee bit of interest and experience in running to organize a 5K fun run. How hard could it be, right?  I’m ubber organized. I know how to meet a deadline head on.  I have friends and associates who will help me. I serve a God of unlimited possibilities, and don’t forget, I espouse the belief that change is possible, no matter how old or worn out I might be.

I may not be able to run a marathon, but I think I have the skills in place to organize a small race.  So, any of you wanna take trip to NEPA in the fall, for a run?  Autumn in NEPA is unspeakably beautiful, and we are only 3 hrs away from NYC–that’s right, the Big Apple is in my back yard.  Think about it, then check back with me from time to time.  I really think I might just do this thing.  What could happen, right?  😉

Have you ever tried something that had previously seemed out of reach for you?  What happened?  What scares you?  How can I tackle my fears in order to win the victory?

 

Tax Day, Two Carrots, and Catching Hubby’s Eye

Tomorrow is Tax Day!

Yikes, and here I sit with forms needing to be filled out. I do this every year…say I’m going to file early, but don’t. Its one area of my life where I regularly procrastinate, although I wish I didn’t.  Found it hard to find forms on-line today.  I like to do my calculations by hand, then enter whatever is needed on to the site provided.

I know, I know, crazy, right?

The weekend was a nice one. Yesterday in NEPA was beautiful!!!!!

I ate out for two meals this weekend, but avoided the bread they serve at the table, and didn’t eat chips with the wrap I had yesterday.  Water to drink, so it all went well.

I tried a new banana bread recipe that I tweaked to  make more healthy. It was a HUGE hit with the guys, who made quick work of the muffins the batter produced.  I will definitely make these again, but next time I will add some wheat germ and maybe some unsweetened coconut to the mix.

Groceries on Saturday were outrageously expensive, but that’s what I get for waiting so long to shop.  I hadn’t any fresh produce in the house, except two carrots in the produce bin.  Nothing in the freezer, save some half-empty berry bags.  I needed absolutely everything, so the price tag for all of that was rather high.  Plus, I picked up a few things for Easter baskets, for those lil guys who will be visiting on the weekend if all goes well.

000dancing carrots

I’m not entirely sure why the picture of dancing carrots, but I thought it was whimsical and therefore appropriate for a Monday.  🙂

I spent some time with a nephews over the weekend, too.  Lil guys–they are so much fun.  One is 2 years old and the other 4 months.  The tiny tot has a milk allergy, so he is consuming this really expensive formula made of soy or something.  His formula for the week costs almost half what my groceries came to, but he is doing much better now that they have found the problem and are able to provide him with something that rests easy on his tummy.

I also spent part of my day yesterday with a gal who is stepping down from antidepressants.  I think it’s probably a bad move on her part, but she feels she suffers from seasonal affective disease and every spring she gets the hankering to be off her meds. She was really negative almost the entire time we were together and very distracted.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on with her until I thought about what she’d said about quitting the meds, then it all made sense.  I hope she is being careful and being monitored by her doctor as she steps down. Those things can be dangerous, when you quit them cold turkey.

After church yesterday a cool thing happened.  A friend walked up to me and said, “During service today I looked where you normally sit and thought, where is Lori?”  She went on to say that she saw my husband and other family members, but not me. She looked once, twice, and then again.  Checking that third time, she realized that the woman standing next to me hubs was me.  She said she seriously couldn’t tell that it was me, and asked me how much weight I had lost in total.  I shared that I’ve lost over 100 lbs since I began this adventure.  I told her I have between 50 and 60 lbs to go and she couldn’t believe I needed to lose that much.  When you’re tall, the eye does funny things, but believe me, I do need to lose that much.

My hubs has been making comments recently, too.  He keeps saying, “Man, if you get any skinnier, I won’t know you.” And, “Wow, you are getting thin!”

I’m not getting thin, but I am looking pretty good.  🙂

I’m not losing weight right now, but I have been working out on the bike.  I must be toning while my body is making adjustments prior to a move off this plateau.  I hope it happens soon.  I’m ready to see the scale drop a little further.

I talked to a co-worker today who is trying to lose.  She’s stymied, and I admitted to her that I am too. Maybe we can help each other.

Well, that’s about it for this Monday post.  Hope you all are enjoying this break in the weather. I hear we are supposed to drop down and have snow flurries again tomorrow.  Ah, Spring, you’re such a tempter!

How do you feel when others notice your hard work with weight loss?  What is your favorite compliment of all time?

 

Beauty, close to home

The cold winter is finally beginning to wave good-bye as it leaves NEPA. Yay!  We have been waiting for a while to see the snow melt away, and finally, finally it has.  The robins are out in the yard, hopping around with big red bellies, and the peepers are peeping in the hollars around the house.  Once the wind dies down and we settle into late spring, it is going to be gorgeous around here.  Wait, what am I saying?  It’s gorgeous now.  I thought I would include a few pictures of our area with this post.  These are why I live in the northeast, and why I love this part of the country.

000french assylum

This is a watch tower at a rest stop in Wyalusing, PA.  Look at that blue stone on the walkway. That’s home-grown and gorgeous.  We have a cache of it on our property, but it’s not yet been mined.  This tower overlooks a beautiful river valley below, part of the French Asylum settlement that is a part of our past.

000river from atop the hill

 

 

 

 

 

This shot is of that same property, bought as a safehouse settlement for royalty.  Nice!  The river is high right now, so the water is mud brown to match the brown hay fields.

000scenic view

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A shot of the river from the craggy hilltop.  We have bald eagles in the area that nest here, along the river bed, in huge trees that grow as towering nurseries for their young.

000great rock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We named our own homestead La Casa Roca, because we have so many, many rocks on our property.  Here’s a good example of what you can find all over NEPA, except this guy is perched in majesty far above the river bed, so he has the best view in the area.

000Wyalusing-Grand Army of the Republic Army

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This last shot is of US Rt 6 near Wyalusing overlook.  Things are still pretty brown around here, but spring is definitely in the air.  I can’t wait to get out there and walk our country roads.  I know I’ll pay the price with the allergens that are floating through the air.  The winds are gusting this week around the river, but I don’t care.  It’s worth it to finally be outside and communing with nature once again.  We are so sick of the snow around here.  Welcome, Spring, you’ve come none too soon!

 

So glad I’m using that bike!

000darkenss

It’s 4:00am on April 8, 2014. My door bell is ringing. A moment ago I was sleeping like a baby, but no more.

I quickly jumped out of bed and into the living room in order to prevent my hubby from opening the door to some stranger or family member with terrible news.  This evasive action might sound bizarre until you hear what I’m about to share.

About two years ago was the last time my doorbell rang in the middle of the night.  When it did, it was because a neighbor’s son, high on meth and bath salts, came to our door half-naked and sweating.  I mean wringing sweat!  In February. He thought someone was chasing him down to kill him.

Bath Salts are a plague on society. 

Anyway, you can imagine why I ran from my bed to see what was the matter this morning.  Soon, my hubs met me on his way to the bathroom.  I gingerly whispered, “Did you hear the doorbell go off?”

His reply:  “Yeah, it did that this afternoon, and I thought, ‘Hmmm, I bet the battery is going dead on that thing again.'”

What??!?  

Why would he not replace the battery, or disconnect the door bell?

Go figure.

All this to say that I am soooo glad I have been exercising on the bike the last two months.  I roused myself from a sound sleep at 4:00am today and very quickly noticed my heart was pounding.

Honestly, wouldn’t you have reacted the same way?

Good thing I’ve been as mobile as possible this winter. The activity has no doubt saved me from a heart attack, or worse.  The bike is helping.

Woohoo, I’m still here. 😉