One thing that I still struggle with is indecision.
Should I, or shouldn’t I?
Indecision has the power to make me chase after my own tail, wondering what is the right thing to do? It can fuel fears in me; feelings of insecurity, or imagined threat. I’ve seen indecision manifest itself in me through anxiety, pleas for assurance from others, and excess eating. Sometimes, however, indecision sends me in another direction completely. Here’s an example of what I mean by that.
Recently, when I read about another bloggers struggle with drive through eating I was reminded of all those times when I was learning to confront my sugar addiction and food obsession (and girth). Crazy as this will sound, I spent my entire lunch hour driving around town, many days, scoping out the best fast food joints and buying nothing.
Seriously, I did this many times, and always went back to work after an hour of driving around feeling hungry, unsatisfied, and frustrated with my inability to make a decision.
What is the world was that about?
Now, after many years of practicing restraint with food, I think I know that it was fear of eating too many calories that drove this behavior. And perfectionist tendencies (operating in me even though all sense would suggest I am not, nor have I ever been, perfect).
Fear and Perfectionism–is this ringing bells for anyone but me?
I think this is why I did these things.
The truth is that I believe that a lot of my food insanity–which I suffered through for years–has dissipated. I still do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome, but usually not with food.
With other things.
Thankfully I don’t feel the need to repeat the endless, aimless driving behavior any more. I’ve learned to accept that I’m not perfect and making bad choices is better than making no choice. At least I’m moving forward and choosing something.
As I am writing this post, I’m wondering: Is it possible that I am the only one who has ever acted this way?
Maybe I am.
I could be.
If I am, then so be it. Doing something this abnormal taught me a lesson about how crazy I could be when handling food, or not handling it.
When I woke up.
After I had quit the insanity or constant eating.
The behavior got bad enough that it taught me how to be more decisive.
I’m glad I don’t drive aimlessly looking for the perfect food on my lunch hour anymore. Indecision still has the power to take me places I don’t want to go, but not with food.
Slowly, but surely.
Some days I eat what I have gotten while out for lunch and I am unsatisfied. At those times I tell myself, “Self, there will always be another lunch. Don’t sweat it, this one wasn’t great, but the next one will be.” That’s called progress, people, and I’m glad for it!
What are your thoughts on aimless driving, fast foods, and perfectionism? Did you ever have a problem with indecision that ended up in you eating way more than you would have, had you just had the burger and fries?